This is a change of pace from my normal writing, but I feel like stretching my legs and letting my creativity and imagination run wild.

I prefer life in slow motion. Think about it, when it unravels slowly, you can appreciate it in its fullness. All the greatest pleasures in life happen best when you take your time. The best part about going slow though is the gradual build up that ends in a giant crescendo of splendor. Imagine a succulent prime rib that’s been cooked to perfection with juices dripping from every small bite. Each bite makes you appreciate it more and more as you let the fullness of the flavor take over.

Being the food analogous man that I am, I can barely contain myself when I think of that special somebody in the same way. No matter how good the steak smells or looks, you’ll never really know it until that first bite. Now I love fast food, but I wouldn’t want to live on that my entire life, nor would I want that to fill my appetite when I know there’s a grand feast to be had.

I’m no chef, but I know there are numerous steps from preparation all the way to completion that are necessary to make that cut or prime rib oh-so-prefect. Everything step of the way is carefully planned like the grading of beef, the slice and portion of the meat, the preparation of the spices and marinades and the slow cook to seal the deal. If there’s such a woman that exists for me that is like the pinnacle perfection prime rib that comes to mind, then I cannot wait until the day I’m seated and ready to dine. She’s going to blow my mind.

Here, I’ll break some personal preferences, but I know I won’t limit myself to only these because what do I actually know about anything anyway? I imagine a brown-haired and brown-eyed goddess.

Beautiful round eyes that touch the depths of my soul with just one look. All ready more than enough to make me believe in a God that is the creator of the universe and cares for me deeply.

Her smile captures and reminds me of the beauty in nature like the crashing waves, a sunset on a lake, lightning on a stormy night, wind blowing through a field of flowers or looking closely at a snowflake for the first time. A note on her smile though—It’s not one cheaply flashed at everybody all the time. It’s one that’s rare to find like a diamond in the rough. It’ll slowly unfold during a deep and meaningful conversation. The smile will start with her lips, slowly creased to a grin after you guess something about her personality when first meeting her. When you get an actual smile, it’s like being blessed with unexpected good news. It’ll catch you off guard because you never saw it coming, but you’ll keep that picture in your mind for all eternity.

Again, I can’t express the importance of it being slow. There’s a certain genuineness that only comes with smiles that are shown when they happen slowly.
You can tell a lot about a person by their walk. I’ll cut to the chase. I want a woman who walks like they’re hiding back a giant secret. The secret being that they’re the most amazing thing to walk into my life. Her and I just won’t know it at the time. It will be a slow and special stroll like she’s got all the time in the world and not in a hurry or anxious for anything. She’s taking her time to fully take in all of life happening around her and appreciating all of it.

Here’s a little icing on the cake to really put things into perspective. She’ll have this way about her that reminds me of the sense of awe and wonder of being a child. How that looks on the outside is hard for me to put into words, but it’s something as little as walking outside and seeing that it’s a beautiful day and her whole demeanor becoming slightly more cheery for the rest of the day.

Have you ever seen something so beautiful that it was deafening? It sounds kinda strange but think about it. Something so captivating that time itself slows down and your sense of hearing goes deaf. You raise your head and straighten up to get a better look. And you even do a double take just to make sure it’s real.

I know there’s such a girl somewhere. You can say that my head’s in the clouds or that I’m chasing a dream girl. None of that even matters. It’s the sense of hope that I hold onto with every beat of my heart.

There’s no problem about whether or not she exists. The problem is me. How or why would she ever choose me? Would I have the courage to let her know that she’s been my ideal soul mate ever since I was a kid?

And here’s the last ingredient. No matter how bad a first impression I make, how many times I blow it or how undeserving I am of her, she’ll love me. She’ll love me whole-heartedly for everything I am and everything I’m not.

Wow. Dear God, you know my hearts desires. Please let it happen at the perfect time and at the perfect place in both of our lives.

.bq

An inevitable quarter life crisis is upon me.

There are so many different directions I can take for my career. I don’t feel like myself either. I thought I had myself figured out pretty well, but as of lately I can’t even makes dreams for myself.

I’ve always been a dreamer and it’s a wonderful crutch to lean on when all else around you is uncertain.

I’m grateful for my close friends and the people I’ve met this past school year, but something’s missing. I know with my head the void that needs to be filled. However, there’s a hole somewhere in my heart right now that’s letting the spirit leak out once it’s filled.

I don’t like spilling my feelings onto my online diary, but I’m not one to front and I guess it’s where I’m at as of now.

So in the wise words of John Mayer, “I’m dreaming with a broken heart.”

For some reason, I’ve been seeing “darker side” of my personality more. I’m not at all hospitable to guests. I’m terrible at doing the whole “meet and greet” thing when I see people I know. I play it cool too often. I’m terribly good at hastily pointing at other people’s flaws. I’m lazy and don’t fully apply myself to anything (other than video games maybe). I walk life feeling a sense of entitlement. I’m self-centered and greedy. I’m too proud to verbalize my faults. I’m manipulative for my own self-gain.

As you can see, everything revolves around me.
I love myself first then others second.
I gotta decrease in me so I can increase in Him.

Worst of all, I know all this and not doing anything to change it.

I can’t let this year be a repeat of a mediocre quality life and love. I’m just having an extremely hard time undoing my bad habits.

Help.

.bq

I like to think of myself as a guy who likes to dream big. However, I just came to the recent conclusion of how normal my dreams have been for my life. They follow the simple formula of:

Go to college and graduate from ______.
Find woman of my dreams and get married at _______.
Have _____ children.
Get a job as a ______.
Buy a nice car like a ______.
Live in a big house that costs ______.
Live to be at least _____ years old.
Have _____ grandchildren.

How cute.

Seriously, how ordinary and common are these dreams?

“Don’t buy into the lie for just ordinary dreams.”
–Sam Thomsic, Step Off Ministry

*disclaimer*
It’s about to get spiritual up in hurr.

After hearing that quote and everything else that Sam had to say, I felt so convicted of living a cheated life. I felt an emptiness that shot right through the heart. Everything that I thought I wanted and needed in life was just shot down before me. Having all or none of the listed above could not promise a fulfilling life.

For the first time in a long time, I really felt God tugging at my heart. I had hardened my heart to not let anything get to me because I had become so self-sufficient and calloused to everything else. However, I had my heart broken and it was just like He was saying to me,

“Barrett, I have huge plans for you. Only you can live them through your life and nobody else. They’re here just waiting for you to grab, take the first step and I’ll do the rest.”

That night I lay in my bed restless. In my bunk I tried to process all my broken dreams and smashed plans for my senior year at Biola. I had it all nicely planned out to properly get me to where I wanted to be by the time I graduated and reached the working world. I “God-proofed” my plans to make sure that there would be no room for error as well as no room for God to lead me another direction. I was a fool for thinking so.

I laid it all out to Him as I pleaded for direction and purpose. I gave all my plans and dreams to God and He probably got a good chuckle from all of them. BAM. Faces began to rush through my head. I recognized each face as well as a specific need to be prayed for. I could feel the tug from my heart again when I sincerely grasped the specific needs of others. Like a second wind, the names and faces kept coming. So as the night went on I opened up the flood gates and let the prayers continue to pour out. I remembered by the end of it I felt mentally fatigued, but was spiritually serene.

I’ve all ready started class at Fullerton College. Biola starts classes next Wednesday. My stuff is making its way to the new apartment. I get to return to Big Bear this Friday as a college camper instead of a high school counselor. That’s all the foresight and handle I’ve got on my life right now.

Heaven only knows what my senior year is going to look like this year. Dare I say how I know it’s gonna be a hellofa year though?

My new favorite and slightly overused phrase, “We’ll see what happens.”

I guess it’s time for me to get to stepping.

.bq