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Tuesday, 24 November 2009

  • Text Message Therapy

    My writing seems to consist of three things. In no particular order: God, Girls and Grades. I’ll call them the 3G’s.
    In true guy fashion, a close friend and I were talking about the 3G’s.

    We covered all the bases of typical guy talk and I started complaining about my quality of life, relationships and uncertainty of the future.

    My friend has this smile. He only lets it slip his poker face right before he shares something he is excited about. He pulled out his phone and began telling me about a perspective changing text.

    The night prior he was hanging out with mutual friends at a bar. His father text to ask how things were going. My friend’s response was something like, “Things are good. Not sure if I have enough money to take out the girl for a nice date tho.” Paraphrased, his father’s reply said,

    “Son, what’s important is not that you can take her out for a nice dinner. It’s that you love her like Christ loves the church”.

    My friend told me he almost started crying in the bar up in front of everybody. I understood why.

    The man is supposed to be the breadwinner. It’s definitely an Asian perception of love. Being able to support your family and pay all the bills shows your love for them. However justifiable that seems though, it’s not the same as sincere, whole-hearted, “baby I need you” kind of love.

    I keep searching myself for reasons why I fall short of other people’s expectations. I can imagine a popular answer being something like, “you’re not inadequate, but it’s others who are inadequate themselves.”

    Thanks, but no thanks. I’d rather hear something that actually helps my cause. I think I know the answer though.
    I’ve been too adamant in pushing and improving myself for the purpose of self-glorification.

    I’m shooting myself in the foot with my self-help and trusting in my own foresight when there’s God who knows all there is about everything. He has all the good in the world and more, but for some selfish reason I don’t want to go that route right now. It’s almost self-defeating because naturally I’ll want to trust in my own understanding.

    I hope I get this right before I meet miss right.

    .bq

Thursday, 19 November 2009

  • Things I've Learned from College about Myself and Life

    You know how when you go on a roller coaster like Goliath or or Ghost Rider, it feels like forever when you're going up to the top of the coaster? You can hear all the gears turning and you start tripping balls and psyching yourself out before the ride even gets intense. Then in the blink of an eye the ride is over and you're getting out while laughing and talking to your friends about the past 30 seconds where you just sat there and cried like a girl.

    My four years at Biola University have been just that. I had so much anticipation and anxiety before the whole thing even started. I cried, screamed and complained while I was on it. When the ride finished, I was sad it reached the end and could only tell everybody around me about how it was and how I want to go on for another ride.

    As I sat in front of newly fixed macbook pro (YEEE 320GB HD!) and was filling out my graduation petition, a sobering thought came over me. I was eight units away from graduation. Let's count what that actually means for me.

    P.E. (1) + Chorale (1) + Bible upper-elective (3) + Journalism upper-elective (3) = Graduation (8).

    I can graduate in six months with four classes and will only have to come to school Monday/Wednesday (maybe Friday for Chorale).

    MIND = BLOWN!

    I've been on edge the past two weeks because school work and everything else extra curricular in my life decided to come together all at the same time for a let's kick BQ in the bawlz party. BUT I feel like I can try to flip the script and express in bullet point some of the things I've learned from college as they come to me.

    (The spacing is random just to help my eyes out from seeing a wall of text)

    -I don't have to eat all the food on my plate. I'll be perfectly full if I choose to eat a half serving
    -Don't be afraid to try things new, especially if they seem to be outside of social norms
    -Most of the time me "trying to play it cool" = me appearing like a douche

    -Everybody needs to be complimented sometime
    -I'm smarter, funnier, better looking and crazier than I perceive myself to be
    -Everybody likes a smile. As long as I make it personal and not like I'm whoring it out to everybody.

    -I'm still skinny. I haven't gained a single pound my entire college career.
    -Everybody believes in me and that I've got all the potential in the world (except for me kinda)
    -The "normal" me is a little more on the quiet and reserved side
    -The "social" me is the more memorable and extroverted image that sticks with people

    -The flesh is weak. The body eventually needs sleep and nourishment along with tons of other things like hugs, funs, friends, family, the word and moreeeeeeee
    -Paraphrase of a quote from Tuesdays With Morrie "The secret to life is that you depend on others not just when you're an infant or when you're old, but especially so in between when we are trying so hard to be independent."

    -There is little to no fulfillment in achieving monetary, career, relational or personal goals in comparison to being in the joy of our maker.
    -No matter how hard I try to justify it, procrastinating doesn't improve the quality of my work. Having a deadline glaring at me may give forced motivation to work, but it can't beat the ability to write then re-write a piece multiple times until near perfection.

    -Not everybody is going to like or accept me. If everybody in the world liked me for who I was, then I'd be everybody except for myself.
    -There is no good reason at all to hold grudges. It's just my stupid pride getting the best of me.
    -People can know you better than you know yourself. If you think that's dumb, think of a time where somebody close was able to introduce you to something you originally had a bad impression of then came to love it when you actually tried/did it.

    ehhhhh I think I'm done for now. The idea to write this entry came to me as I caught my reflection in the mirror after washing my hands and was originally supposed to be a comedic post. Guess that didn't really work out.

    I wish I could spend more time to really smooth out all the rough portions of this but I know the later I stay up, the more information is leaking out of my brain that I just crammed for a test tomorrow.

    Ironic how I'm coming to God in prayer about an objective gospels test on His word for my Jesus Life & Ministry class.

    It feels nice to have written something again not required for a class.

    Peace peeps.
    .bq

Sunday, 27 September 2009

  • My Perfect Dream Girl (part 100)


    This is a change of pace from my normal writing, but I feel like stretching my legs and letting my creativity and imagination run wild.

    I prefer life in slow motion. Think about it, when it unravels slowly, you can appreciate it in its fullness. All the greatest pleasures in life happen best when you take your time. The best part about going slow though is the gradual build up that ends in a giant crescendo of splendor. Imagine a succulent prime rib that’s been cooked to perfection with juices dripping from every small bite. Each bite makes you appreciate it more and more as you let the fullness of the flavor take over.

    Being the food analogous man that I am, I can barely contain myself when I think of that special somebody in the same way. No matter how good the steak smells or looks, you’ll never really know it until that first bite. Now I love fast food, but I wouldn’t want to live on that my entire life, nor would I want that to fill my appetite when I know there’s a grand feast to be had.

    I’m no chef, but I know there are numerous steps from preparation all the way to completion that are necessary to make that cut or prime rib oh-so-prefect. Everything step of the way is carefully planned like the grading of beef, the slice and portion of the meat, the preparation of the spices and marinades and the slow cook to seal the deal. If there’s such a woman that exists for me that is like the pinnacle perfection prime rib that comes to mind, then I cannot wait until the day I’m seated and ready to dine. She’s going to blow my mind.

    Here, I’ll break some personal preferences, but I know I won’t limit myself to only these because what do I actually know about anything anyway? I imagine a brown-haired and brown-eyed goddess.

    Beautiful round eyes that touch the depths of my soul with just one look. All ready more than enough to make me believe in a God that is the creator of the universe and cares for me deeply.

    Her smile captures and reminds me of the beauty in nature like the crashing waves, a sunset on a lake, lightning on a stormy night, wind blowing through a field of flowers or looking closely at a snowflake for the first time. A note on her smile though—It’s not one cheaply flashed at everybody all the time. It’s one that’s rare to find like a diamond in the rough. It’ll slowly unfold during a deep and meaningful conversation. The smile will start with her lips, slowly creased to a grin after you guess something about her personality when first meeting her. When you get an actual smile, it’s like being blessed with unexpected good news. It’ll catch you off guard because you never saw it coming, but you’ll keep that picture in your mind for all eternity.

    Again, I can’t express the importance of it being slow. There’s a certain genuineness that only comes with smiles that are shown when they happen slowly.
    You can tell a lot about a person by their walk. I’ll cut to the chase. I want a woman who walks like they’re hiding back a giant secret. The secret being that they’re the most amazing thing to walk into my life. Her and I just won’t know it at the time. It will be a slow and special stroll like she’s got all the time in the world and not in a hurry or anxious for anything. She’s taking her time to fully take in all of life happening around her and appreciating all of it.

    Here’s a little icing on the cake to really put things into perspective. She’ll have this way about her that reminds me of the sense of awe and wonder of being a child. How that looks on the outside is hard for me to put into words, but it’s something as little as walking outside and seeing that it’s a beautiful day and her whole demeanor becoming slightly more cheery for the rest of the day.

    Have you ever seen something so beautiful that it was deafening? It sounds kinda strange but think about it. Something so captivating that time itself slows down and your sense of hearing goes deaf. You raise your head and straighten up to get a better look. And you even do a double take just to make sure it’s real.

    I know there’s such a girl somewhere. You can say that my head’s in the clouds or that I’m chasing a dream girl. None of that even matters. It’s the sense of hope that I hold onto with every beat of my heart.

    There’s no problem about whether or not she exists. The problem is me. How or why would she ever choose me? Would I have the courage to let her know that she’s been my ideal soul mate ever since I was a kid?

    And here’s the last ingredient. No matter how bad a first impression I make, how many times I blow it or how undeserving I am of her, she’ll love me. She’ll love me whole-heartedly for everything I am and everything I’m not.

    Wow. Dear God, you know my hearts desires. Please let it happen at the perfect time and at the perfect place in both of our lives.

    .bq

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

  • I need to go Good Will Hunting

    Freshman year. I was anxious and excited for the experiences to come. I was trying to find friends, my major and my identity. Biola was good to me by putting me on a floor with great guys. In a world of differences, I learned to love and accept those different than me.

    Sophomore year. I was a wise fool. I cruised through life until I had figured out a comfortable routine. As a new journalist, I tried hard to play catch-up. No longer the new kid, I knew who I was and my specific place. Familiar faces and places kept me happy as I learned to work out my faith and wrestle with daily struggles. I learned sometimes you have to take a step back and mend what was holding you down before advancing forward.

    Junior year. I wanted to be heard and loved. Established in my major and social status, I knew who the big wigs and sprouting twigs were. I began experimenting with my style and mannerisms to reinvent my image and re-establish perceptions and first impressions. I was familiar with all the rules, but more importantly, when I could bend and break them. “21” was just a mere number to me. I learned I was more than the average joe I thought myself to be.

    Senior year. “I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal... People know me… I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.”

    I’m trying to put into words how I feel about senior year so far. It’s funny how the above quote from Anchorman feels to ring true. I’ve noticed more people asking for my opinion and seeking my counsel. I always feel unqualified, but they insist I at least make a comment.

    Sometimes I wonder if stand-up comedians ever get tired of their routines. It’s getting to the point where I can anticipate people’s responses to me in the same way a comedian knows to pause during certain lines for dramatic affect and to let the audience breathe between laughs.

    I’m not sure what’s worst. Not living up to your full potential or playing it safe to keep yourself from being vulnerable.

    I came to the revelation today that I’m Matt Damon from “Good Will Hunting”. I’m no genius, but I act like I know a lot about everything. I have all the head knowledge about love, spirituality and social interaction. I’m a lowly novice when it comes knowing the true love of being in a relationship, letting myself live solely by faith and being sincerely and utterly vulnerable.

    I’m so afraid to drop my guard because it’s gotten me this far. I’m too afraid to let others know I care for them and that I need them even more in return. How do I live the quality of life as if I were dying?

    .bq

Monday, 14 September 2009

  • Help. I've got writer's block on life.

    An inevitable quarter life crisis is upon me.

    There are so many different directions I can take for my career. I don’t feel like myself either. I thought I had myself figured out pretty well, but as of lately I can’t even makes dreams for myself.

    I’ve always been a dreamer and it’s a wonderful crutch to lean on when all else around you is uncertain.

    I’m grateful for my close friends and the people I’ve met this past school year, but something’s missing. I know with my head the void that needs to be filled. However, there’s a hole somewhere in my heart right now that’s letting the spirit leak out once it’s filled.

    I don’t like spilling my feelings onto my online diary, but I’m not one to front and I guess it’s where I’m at as of now.

    So in the wise words of John Mayer, “I’m dreaming with a broken heart.”

    For some reason, I’ve been seeing “darker side” of my personality more. I’m not at all hospitable to guests. I’m terrible at doing the whole “meet and greet” thing when I see people I know. I play it cool too often. I’m terribly good at hastily pointing at other people’s flaws. I’m lazy and don’t fully apply myself to anything (other than video games maybe). I walk life feeling a sense of entitlement. I’m self-centered and greedy. I’m too proud to verbalize my faults. I’m manipulative for my own self-gain.

    As you can see, everything revolves around me.
    I love myself first then others second.
    I gotta decrease in me so I can increase in Him.

    Worst of all, I know all this and not doing anything to change it.

    I can’t let this year be a repeat of a mediocre quality life and love. I’m just having an extremely hard time undoing my bad habits.

    Help.

    .bq

psykoaznballa

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    • Name: Barrett
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    • State: California
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    • Member Since: 1/30/2003

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