My writing seems to consist of three things. In no particular order: God, Girls and Grades. I’ll call them the 3G’s.
In true guy fashion, a close friend and I were talking about the 3G’s.

We covered all the bases of typical guy talk and I started complaining about my quality of life, relationships and uncertainty of the future.

My friend has this smile. He only lets it slip his poker face right before he shares something he is excited about. He pulled out his phone and began telling me about a perspective changing text.

The night prior he was hanging out with mutual friends at a bar. His father text to ask how things were going. My friend’s response was something like, “Things are good. Not sure if I have enough money to take out the girl for a nice date tho.” Paraphrased, his father’s reply said,

“Son, what’s important is not that you can take her out for a nice dinner. It’s that you love her like Christ loves the church”.

My friend told me he almost started crying in the bar up in front of everybody. I understood why.

The man is supposed to be the breadwinner. It’s definitely an Asian perception of love. Being able to support your family and pay all the bills shows your love for them. However justifiable that seems though, it’s not the same as sincere, whole-hearted, “baby I need you” kind of love.

I keep searching myself for reasons why I fall short of other people’s expectations. I can imagine a popular answer being something like, “you’re not inadequate, but it’s others who are inadequate themselves.”

Thanks, but no thanks. I’d rather hear something that actually helps my cause. I think I know the answer though.
I’ve been too adamant in pushing and improving myself for the purpose of self-glorification.

I’m shooting myself in the foot with my self-help and trusting in my own foresight when there’s God who knows all there is about everything. He has all the good in the world and more, but for some selfish reason I don’t want to go that route right now. It’s almost self-defeating because naturally I’ll want to trust in my own understanding.

I hope I get this right before I meet miss right.

.bq

This is a change of pace from my normal writing, but I feel like stretching my legs and letting my creativity and imagination run wild.

I prefer life in slow motion. Think about it, when it unravels slowly, you can appreciate it in its fullness. All the greatest pleasures in life happen best when you take your time. The best part about going slow though is the gradual build up that ends in a giant crescendo of splendor. Imagine a succulent prime rib that’s been cooked to perfection with juices dripping from every small bite. Each bite makes you appreciate it more and more as you let the fullness of the flavor take over.

Being the food analogous man that I am, I can barely contain myself when I think of that special somebody in the same way. No matter how good the steak smells or looks, you’ll never really know it until that first bite. Now I love fast food, but I wouldn’t want to live on that my entire life, nor would I want that to fill my appetite when I know there’s a grand feast to be had.

I’m no chef, but I know there are numerous steps from preparation all the way to completion that are necessary to make that cut or prime rib oh-so-prefect. Everything step of the way is carefully planned like the grading of beef, the slice and portion of the meat, the preparation of the spices and marinades and the slow cook to seal the deal. If there’s such a woman that exists for me that is like the pinnacle perfection prime rib that comes to mind, then I cannot wait until the day I’m seated and ready to dine. She’s going to blow my mind.

Here, I’ll break some personal preferences, but I know I won’t limit myself to only these because what do I actually know about anything anyway? I imagine a brown-haired and brown-eyed goddess.

Beautiful round eyes that touch the depths of my soul with just one look. All ready more than enough to make me believe in a God that is the creator of the universe and cares for me deeply.

Her smile captures and reminds me of the beauty in nature like the crashing waves, a sunset on a lake, lightning on a stormy night, wind blowing through a field of flowers or looking closely at a snowflake for the first time. A note on her smile though—It’s not one cheaply flashed at everybody all the time. It’s one that’s rare to find like a diamond in the rough. It’ll slowly unfold during a deep and meaningful conversation. The smile will start with her lips, slowly creased to a grin after you guess something about her personality when first meeting her. When you get an actual smile, it’s like being blessed with unexpected good news. It’ll catch you off guard because you never saw it coming, but you’ll keep that picture in your mind for all eternity.

Again, I can’t express the importance of it being slow. There’s a certain genuineness that only comes with smiles that are shown when they happen slowly.
You can tell a lot about a person by their walk. I’ll cut to the chase. I want a woman who walks like they’re hiding back a giant secret. The secret being that they’re the most amazing thing to walk into my life. Her and I just won’t know it at the time. It will be a slow and special stroll like she’s got all the time in the world and not in a hurry or anxious for anything. She’s taking her time to fully take in all of life happening around her and appreciating all of it.

Here’s a little icing on the cake to really put things into perspective. She’ll have this way about her that reminds me of the sense of awe and wonder of being a child. How that looks on the outside is hard for me to put into words, but it’s something as little as walking outside and seeing that it’s a beautiful day and her whole demeanor becoming slightly more cheery for the rest of the day.

Have you ever seen something so beautiful that it was deafening? It sounds kinda strange but think about it. Something so captivating that time itself slows down and your sense of hearing goes deaf. You raise your head and straighten up to get a better look. And you even do a double take just to make sure it’s real.

I know there’s such a girl somewhere. You can say that my head’s in the clouds or that I’m chasing a dream girl. None of that even matters. It’s the sense of hope that I hold onto with every beat of my heart.

There’s no problem about whether or not she exists. The problem is me. How or why would she ever choose me? Would I have the courage to let her know that she’s been my ideal soul mate ever since I was a kid?

And here’s the last ingredient. No matter how bad a first impression I make, how many times I blow it or how undeserving I am of her, she’ll love me. She’ll love me whole-heartedly for everything I am and everything I’m not.

Wow. Dear God, you know my hearts desires. Please let it happen at the perfect time and at the perfect place in both of our lives.

.bq

An inevitable quarter life crisis is upon me.

There are so many different directions I can take for my career. I don’t feel like myself either. I thought I had myself figured out pretty well, but as of lately I can’t even makes dreams for myself.

I’ve always been a dreamer and it’s a wonderful crutch to lean on when all else around you is uncertain.

I’m grateful for my close friends and the people I’ve met this past school year, but something’s missing. I know with my head the void that needs to be filled. However, there’s a hole somewhere in my heart right now that’s letting the spirit leak out once it’s filled.

I don’t like spilling my feelings onto my online diary, but I’m not one to front and I guess it’s where I’m at as of now.

So in the wise words of John Mayer, “I’m dreaming with a broken heart.”

For some reason, I’ve been seeing “darker side” of my personality more. I’m not at all hospitable to guests. I’m terrible at doing the whole “meet and greet” thing when I see people I know. I play it cool too often. I’m terribly good at hastily pointing at other people’s flaws. I’m lazy and don’t fully apply myself to anything (other than video games maybe). I walk life feeling a sense of entitlement. I’m self-centered and greedy. I’m too proud to verbalize my faults. I’m manipulative for my own self-gain.

As you can see, everything revolves around me.
I love myself first then others second.
I gotta decrease in me so I can increase in Him.

Worst of all, I know all this and not doing anything to change it.

I can’t let this year be a repeat of a mediocre quality life and love. I’m just having an extremely hard time undoing my bad habits.

Help.

.bq